I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
