hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
