Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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