I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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