just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Randomize
