I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
