Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
