GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
