you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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