His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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