Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
