dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
