I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I am one with the molecules
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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