I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
