i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
