i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar