mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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