my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
