Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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