i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
