I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
