Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
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