just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
