Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
