i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
