That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
