Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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