there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
