I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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