...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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