We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
