I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
