hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
