I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
