I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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