There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
