I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
