We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
