4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
