i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I am midnight drunk by noon
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
