dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
