At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
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His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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