He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
