i love accidental penises.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
