True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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