My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
