is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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