Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
