Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm