I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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