I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I think my fart just growled at me.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
