My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
did i walk over a car last night?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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