So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
