My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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