took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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