It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
