the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
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He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
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He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
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