I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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