woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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