I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
