He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
